"My Struggle: Faith & Religion "

I have had this piece for a while and have been debating as to whether or not I should post it. And then I thought to myself, "It's my blog, why the hell not?" So here it is:

I'm not writing this to offend anyone, I'm writing this because I genuinely have a struggle with Religion. But what people don't understand is just because I may not be religious it doesn't mean I don't have Faith. I do believe in God, I have to believe in God- knowing that there is something greater out there is what keeps me grounded. It's what keeps me positive (most days). It's also not that I don't believe in Religion as a concept, I just feel that all religions and practices should be acceptable to those who observe them. More simply put: to each his own. So, I do not judge anyone who prays through a Holy book and I'm sure many who read this will think I am sinful or whatever they call it. I just believe that a prayer to God should be an "A and B" conversation, so to speak, and it should be direct- just praying to Him without something that has been written. Now, I'm not as extreme as Ludwig Feuerbach or Sigmund Freud in thinking that the whole idea of religion is a projection of human desires/anxieties, nor do I think man-kind invented God. I do however believe that the idea of Religion is quite pedestrian. Also taking note of the fact that most conflicts arise out of disputes about opposing Religious ideologies.

I'm not even projecting this from a philosophical point of view or one up for debate, I'm just saying it as I think it is. Having been at the epicenter of regional crisis and national tensions that mainly grew out of distaste to one another's religions is actually quite disgutsing and upsetting. But let's put politics aside for now. Somewhere along my journey to adulthood and independence I lost that religious connection (and even at times questioned my faith). I don't know why. I feel like most people are on this "religious train" and I can't seem to get on it. I've tried. I really have. At times it seemed as though I was chasing after that train, trying to grab hold of the side ladder or whatever to help me latch on...but nothing. I try to engage in religious holidays or practices but I don't feel anything. Am I supposed to feel something? I have a lot of unorthodox questions, too but I know when to keep my mouth shut.

I genuinely don't know what to do about this dilemma, and clearly all my questions in here are rhetorical- I don't expect answers because I don't think anyone can really tell me what to feel or do. Perhaps over time I'll learn how to accept this. I'm sure my faith will help keep me leveled and help me understand my own feelings. I'm lucky that I don't have conformists for parents or dictators either. What good is it to force religion on someone anyway? But just in case I wasn't clear, it's not that I don't believe in Religon- I certainly do- it's that I just can't place myself into just one.

Emotions

Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.

- Elizabeth Gilbert

So true...it's like a never ending vicious cycle because your thoughts keep pumping those emotions and your balance depends on how you are feeling at that moment in time. Couldn't have put it better myself. Thanks Elizabeth. If I wasn't afraid of needles I might have just gotten a tattoo of this quote!

"20 things you don't know about me (well now you do i guess...)"

1. I secretly believe I am a CIA agent, or definitely have the potential to be one
2. I hate it when people are touchy-feely and need to pat you on the shoulder or grab your hand when they talk to you...umm... I barely know you, is this really appropriate?
3. I collect business cards from all types of places all over the world. I don't know why, it's a bad habit.
4. I keep my movie tickets, I have movie tickets from 8 years ago (seriously).
5. I don't like following trends and pride myself on being different (or at least trying to) i.e. I do not own a blackberry
6. Getting stuck in traffic on the 405 or even the 10 freeway conjures up suicidal thoughts in my head at that very moment in time as well as severe rage....
7. I can't stand stepping out of the Ocean and having sand all over my feet (mixed with the water...ughh)
8. I genuinely love butterflies (not in the "let's kill them and stick them on my wall" kind of way, the other way)
9. If I could volunteer at an orphanage/homeless center everyday for the rest of my life as a 9-5 job I would not complain.
10. I love to read, it's more like an obsession
11. I do believe that everything happens for a reason and therefore try not to get upset when things don't go my way
12. My lucky numbers are 3, 13, and 33
13. I want to travel the world...like, visit every country
14. I love getting on the subway (or the tube/the metro), airplanes, and trains and meeting new people (weird or fascinating, it's still an experience of a lifetime)
15. I enjoy my own company more than others more often than not and really do not feel lonely if I am by myself
16. I do believe that you can have a lot of faith and not necessarily be religious
17. I talk to myself out loud and don't think that's weird (is it?)
18. I think sarcasm is a great attribute
19. Gloomy weather and mellow music make me happy
20. Cards are more important to me than the actual gift; considering that it is the most personal part of the gift (most times).

Rockin the 90's

This song was dedicated to me by one of my closest friends 6 years ago and I swore to have it as my truly unconventional wedding song... we'll just have to wait until i get married... where she will sing it live! (she sings well)

anyways, it reminds me of when I was younger and used to sing along to this song all the time. I still love this song.

"Vermin's"

I'm not the type of person who burns bridges but over the years I have definitely learned when to walk away from a relationship that has become too toxic. One that has become a relationship based on competition or jealousy and it truthfully just sucks the life right out of you. You can no longer live life and enjoy it because you become consumed with dealing with a problem that your friend has. I am a good person, and moreover I am a good friend and also a pushover. Yes, I have let many people walk all over me and I sacrficed my happiness and the things I wanted just for other's to be happy. It sucks. And the worst part is that I knew I was being stepped on but couldn't really do anything about it. People would make me feel guilty about things that I shouldn't feel guilty for, like being in Love and being happy, or like doing what it is I really want to do in life. Why do people do that? Surely it's not because they are "looking out for your best interest"....oh no... it's that they are looking out for their best interest.

Anyway, over the years (when you're supposed to be growing older and wiser) I decided to put my foot on the ground and really go after what it is I wanted- thinking that my friends would support me and be happy of my decisions, of course I was wrong! Ha! Friends...what the hell does that mean today anyway? While many look at it as though I have lost my closest friends I look at it as a way of growing older and growing apart- people have different ambitions, different dreams and certainly most want to live past their high school/college years. I have no grudges because I genuinely don't care. While they continue to speak about me and people judge me, I cross those people out of my friends list too. My theory: if you know me, you know what I'm like and you're capable of making up your own mind about me; if you are a follower of the gossip, then you surely aren't my friend. Oh, and I really wouldn't care to judge you either because life to me is not about placing tabs on other people and tracking their every move and knowing all about the intrinsic details of their lives. No. It's about molding my own life and having the freedom to travel the world and experience new things and have fun.

"Paris is my Playground"

What a way to spend the first week into the New Year, 2010: in Paris! As I stepped off the train at Gare Du Nord station I was greeted by the winter breeze as snowflakes trickled down my face, and in the background were taxi’s awaiting and French people yelling and running around…it was perfect. I decided to spend 6 days there on my own mini-getaway trip to get a change of pace, a change of air, a change of culture and a break from routine. Paris is one of my favorite cities, and having been there plenty of times since the age of 11 I know the city quite well- the underground, its bus system, the streets and the “it places”. Quite frankly, Paris is my playground- there’s never a minute of boredom whilst hopping from one metro line to another, moving from streets to streets, sitting at a typical French café (outside) and watching the people pass you by speaking in the ever-so-beautiful French language. There’s nothing better than walking in the snow and grabbing a warm chocolate crepe, freshly made in front of you, to continue your adventures out in the cold. And let's not even begin to talk about the beautiful lights that soar the sky from the Tour Eiffel and hanging lights on trees that map out the long pathway on the Champs-Élysées, and in the distance to one side is a ferris wheel and to the other, L'arc Du Triomphe! I thoroughly enjoyed embracing every minute of the city: it's cuisine, it's art, architecture and culture. Looking forward to my next visit to be a Parisienne for a week or so.

La Vérité

The funny thing about life is that even when you decide to take a step back and stop for a moment...time doesn't.